a bit of insanity.

Will I ever be happy?!
Honestly. 

The more I think about it the more I am thinking that I am scared to allow myself to be happy. I can't open myself up to anyone. I am always cautious and suspicious of everyone. When I do start to get close to someone, I panic and push them as far away as I can. I run for dear life. WHY! Why do I do that to myself. Do I think I don't deserve happiness? What the fuck is wrong with me.

Most men run at the first sign that a girl has issues. Most, not all.

I start to feel like I am going to be forever alone, or at least forever only half happy. 
I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM 100%, CHUB AND ALL. alas, it seems impossible. Somedays I could just scream!! Scream and cry and break things and lay on the floor until I die.. but I don't because I couldn't do that to my mother. My mother is the only reason I have never killed myself. There's I've thought of doing it, but I can't. I can not leave my mother alone. 

I have friends that make me smile but sometimes I think they hate me and think I'm annoying and only deal with me because I'd go mad alone. I feel like I am constantly faking the happiness.. CONSTANTLY..

Lost my train of thought, I'll update later.