Saturday, March 23, 2013

Don't touch me anymore..

So, I just want to warn whoever is reading this, if you are offended easily, or grossed out or overly sensitive to sexual content, stop reading now. This blog post is about being molested as a child. So, Stop now if that bothers you.

I do not feel that this person deserves to have their name protected or hidden. This person is the lowest sickest type of person. He damaged me in ways that I still haven't figured out. He killed who I once was. He stole my childhood.

When I was almost 5 years old I had a babysitter. His name was Donald. After a few weeks of babysitting me, he got comfortable around our home.

The first time..

One night, my Mom and her boyfriend went out. I don't remember where they were going, but that doesn't matter. I was sitting on the couch with Donald watching TV before I went to bed, which I only got to do when he was babysitting. We were sitting there and he started to rub himself. After a few minutes he unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out. He looked over at me, while still rubbing himself, and asked me (a 5 year old kid) if I wanted to touch it. I didn't answer him. I felt sick and wasn't sure why. I turned and kept watching the TV. After a few more minutes he reached over and took my hand, placed it around his penis, and put his hand over mine, and made me rub it, this went on for about 10 minutes, and then my Mom and her boyfriend unexpectedly came home early. He moved my hand, zipped up his pants, and told me not to tell anyone.

This continued for a few weeks. He told me that it was OK, and that no one needed to know because I would get him in trouble and I didn't want to do that because we were "friends" and that he cared about me. He would "reward me" for  not telling by letting me stay up late or watch whatever TV show I wanted.. etc.

After I while, I assume that the touching got boring for him. One day, as he had his hand over mine, making me touch him, he reached over and placed his hand between my legs. Eventually, when it would be time for me to go to bed, he would come and lay down behind me. He would rub himself against me. Sometimes, he would actually take it his pants off and just be in his boxers and rub himself against me. This happened everyday. Sometimes he would come over during the day, and he would come to my room to "play" with me while my mom went about her chores. He was basically making sure that I wasn't telling anyone anything. I felt sick, I didn't know what was wrong, all I knew is that something wasn't right.

When I was 6 years old, he asked me if I knew what sex was. I said no, because obviously at 6 years old, you don't know what sex is. He told me all about it. Every little detail. I wanted to puke. He started to tell me more and more about all the different sexual things one could do to and for another.

One day, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to and he put me in time out in my room. After a few minutes, he came in and I was standing against the wall. He unzipped his pants and told me he wanted me to put it in my mouth. I said no. He got angry and grabbed my arm, I started to cry, he dropped his pants and I fell to my knees and cried, so hard. He tried to force his penis into my mouth. I closed my mouth and turned my head and cried harder. I begged him to stop, told him I didn't like it and I didn't want to do it. He was so angry. He picked me up and threw me onto my bed. He sat down next to me and grabbed me and rolled me over. (I had turned towards the wall.) He reached down to his zipper again, noticed the time, got up and walked out of my room and closed the door. When I stopped crying he came back in and said he was really sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He begged me not to tell anyone..

For the next year, he tried to be my friend and get me to trust him again. He still made me touch him but  he would be really nice to me all the time. He started asking me to sit on his lap all the time.

When I was 7, my moms boyfriend was in the hospital for a week, and my mom was working 12 hour shifts, so I was left with the babysitter often. I was in my moms room, laying on her bed, playing with my dog, when Donald came in. He told me it was time to get ready for bed and that I needed to take a bath. He filled the tub and came and got me when it was done. When I went in, I closed the door and got in, not 2 minutes later, he came in and sat on the toilet seat. He watched me take my bath. I asked him to leave, and he didn't. When it was time for me to get out, he said he would help me get my pyjama's on. I was 7 years old, I didn't need help. I told him that.. He insisted. That night, he laid on my bed with me and asked me to hug him, I didn't want to. He acted really sad and told me that I had hurt his feelings, so I hugged him. I woke up later, to find him touching me. When I woke up, he just looked at me and smiled and asked me if I liked it. I didn't say anything, I tried to turn over and get up. He stopped me. He started to kiss me. I kept moving my head away, and he would grab it so I couldn't move. This went on for years, he would make me touch him, he would touch me and kiss me and try to make me go further and further. When I would start to cry and freak out he would go away and come back later and try to make me happy so I wouldn't tell anyone.

As I got older, I was embarrassed. He made me feel like it was normal, and that lots of people did it and that if I told my Mom it would only get worse. I was scared, so I didn't say anything.

When I was 10 years old, he took my pants off, he rubbed me over my underwear. He then took his pants off and took my underwear off. He rubbed his penis against my vagina. I started to cry. I wanted him to stop. I knew it was wrong, and I didn't want him to touch me anymore. He covered my mouth with his hand and kept rubbing himself against me. He would rub harder and harder every time.  I kept trying to get away. He wouldn't let me. After doing this for what felt like forever, he stopped and went to the washroom. When he came out, he made me get dressed again and threatened me. When I said I was going to tell on him, he burnt me with a lighter. He threatened me again and again. I was so scared.  I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. Ever.

Every time he would babysit me it would get worse and worse. He would never actually have sex with me, but he would rub me with his penis, and he would fondle me when ever he had the chance. Eventually, just after my 12th birthday, I told my Mom I didn't want a babysitter anymore. I begged her. She asked why and I just said that I didn't like Donald and I didn't want him to watch me anymore. I begged her not to tell him that I asked her to make him stop babysitting me. She found me a new babysitter, and I was really happy. One day, as I was walking home from school, I ran into him. He saw me and smiled and asked me to hug him. I refused. He kept trying to make me, and I kept saying no. Louder and louder every time. He kept coming towards me, so I stomped on his foot as hard as I could and I ran around him and ran to my home.

after a while, I blocked it out of my mind. I had completely forgotten about it. Sometimes, I would get really uncomfortable around guys I didn't know alone. I didn't know why, I thought I was just shy.

...When I was 19 I signed into my FaceBook and saw that I had a friend request. When I clicked it, I saw the name Donald. I ran to the bathroom and threw up, I didn't know why I felt so sick.. After a couple hours, I started to remember things. In great detail. I would shake uncontrollably. I couldn't believe that he would try to add me on FaceBook after everything that he had done.

I waited a few days, and I messaged him.
I told him what he did. I told him how it made me feel. I don't know what I was expecting..
He denied everything. It hurt.
I was so upset.
I creeped his Facebook.. he has a daughter now.
I blocked him. It still bothers me to this day that this man, who did this to me, now has a 4 year old daughter. Does he touch her? Does he do that to her? Is she safe?

Writing this.. hurts. It's hard to breath and I'm shaking.
I eventually told my Boyfriend, and with time, I told my mom and others.
It still hurts.

I haven't written everything in here, because there are some things that I can't bring myself to write or consciously remember. I have nightmares about it sometimes. It feels like I'm really there and it's happening all over again.

I'm hoping by writing this, it helps me move past it. I've tried to forgive him, because I need to move on with my life, yet no matter how hard I try, I can't. I just can't

Please, no rude comments or immature jokes. This is very personal and it really hurts. I don't need to be criticized or put down. I didn't know any better.

No comments:

Post a Comment