Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Struggle.

Like a shadow, this feeling follows me. Even when the sun is shining bright, it creeps in. I could be having the best day ever, but once I sit alone for a while, I feel it like an itch that you can't reach. 

A lot of people don't understand depression. I'm tired of hearing, why don't you just stop thinking about things that make you sad, or why don't you just go out for a walk or something. It's not that easy. I find a lot of people try to tell you remedies for depression, but they have no understanding of it. People say, "Oh, I see you all the time and you look really happy, I don't understand how you can have depression but still be smiling." or "It's just a phase, it will pass." It's not. I've been on medication for it and it didn't help me in the least. I have thought about going to therapy to find out why I am so depressed, because I don't think it is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I think it's memories that I have suppressed that I am unconsciously remembering. It's only times where I have nothing to distract my mind that it really hits me. I've seen times where I will be sitting watching T.V or I'll be on my computer and I will just begin to cry. People don't understand and it frustrates them, this is why I hide it. When I try to explain it to my friends, a lot of them will look at me with such a confused expression, I feel stupid for even trying. 

I was having a good day today, but suddenly I started to come down, and it's because I had a minute where my mind could wander freely. I have joined a group online for girls who were sexually abused and as great as that is, I feel that there are only two people who really open up on there, me and another girl. Frustrating right? I understand people being scared to open up, I know I was for the longest time, but eventually you need to do something to move forward with your life. For me, opening up like this hurts more that keeping it in, but I also know that it has to hurt before it heals. It's like when you cut yourself or injure yourself and you have to clean out the wound first, it's going to hurt like a bitch before it is going to heal, if you leave it it's going to fester and get infected. I feel the same goes for your mind, if you leave the negativity locked up someday it's going to get so bad that you will lose control of yourself. I've come to that point before, where everything was pent up to the point that I had the worse breakdown of my life and I, in fact, tried to take my own life. Looking back, I'm glad that I didn't succeed, but at the same time back then I felt that was the only way that I could escape the pain. I remember I used to cut myself because I felt like that physical pain was like a release of the emotional inner pain. Looking back I also feel like that was silly of me, now I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life. I try to look at it positively though, they will forever remind me that I overcame one of the darkest points in my life. 

I have a daily struggle with myself. I have to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. To the point where I need to set my alarm an hour or so earlier than I really need to be up because I will lay there and it's like an internal battle or weighing the pro's and con's of getting up that day. Usually I finally do convince myself but some days, I stay in bed for hours, and if I could, I'd stay there all day. I've been trying to help myself along with a daily routine. Basically to help me come out of my slump in the morning, I have my alarm set to one of my favourite songs and I listen to it until the end, by then I should be out of bed and at least moving around a bit, then I go to my computer and open my iTunes where I have a "Happy" playlist saved, I plug in my speakers, press play and away we go. Then I force myself to sing along, even if I don't feel like I have the energy, and low and behold, I end up belting the songs out and even dancing a little. I go into the washroom and I shower, if there is no one home I do this with the door open so I can hear the music. Then I brush my teeth and put on makeup, while still jamming of course. I don't always put on makeup but I find on the really bad days it helps boost my confidence a little bit. 

Another thing that I need to remind myself of daily is that myself being sexually abused was in no way my fault, I remember that when I was being abused he would always tell me that I "wanted it" and that I "indirectly asked for it" because I sat next to him on the couch while watching T.V. I was 5, and he was on the middle cushion of the couch, where was I supposed to sit, the floor? I remember that he told me that because I smiled at him and was polite that I was "flirting" with him.. How the FUCK does a 5 year old flirt exactly? He used to tell me all sorts of reasons on why I was the one who asked him for it and that he was simply doing as I wanted.. and for a long time I believed it was ashamed to tell anyone because of this. However, now that I am older, I have watched a lot of video's and read a lot of posts about other people who have suffered sexual abuse as well as talking to some of my close friends who have been through it, and I was surprised to know that about 4 in every 5 of my friends were abused in some way. The more I heard and the more I read about other people going through this, I realized, none of these people deserved that and I started thinking about my situation and now that I am a little more mature I've realized that it is in no way my fault because I was a child and I was simply doing what I had been taught to do. You are polite to your elders, you treat people with respect and you never talk back. However, I wish I would have been taught about saying NO when it came to my "private area's." 

This man was trusted to watch over me, protect me and keep me from harm, instead he caused a life time of trama. Sometimes I get angry because my Mother still talks to him and offers him rides, but she doesn't believe me that he did it, either that or she is in denial. When ever I try to talk to my Mother about what happened, she seems to change the subject or just act very detached and I don't know how to feel about that. Why would I lie about such a thing? I was brought up better than that.. Or maybe it is just too painful for her to think about because she put me in the care of this man and trusted him for 11 years? I'm not sure and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need my Mothers support more than anything else in the world, and I don't have it. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to take him to court, it's been quiet some time since it happened and I have no real proof other than my memories and the scars bot physically and mentally that it has left on me. If anyone knows any information on stuff like this, can you comment below and let me know? Mainly I would like to do something about it so that I could feel some justice for myself but also, he has kids now and I am worried that when they reach a certain age that he will do it to them. I would like to think that having his own kids would make him change, but I feel when it comes to pedophiles, they don't change. Ever. 

There is someone who reads my blog and said to me in a private message that there must be some sort of attraction for me to still linger in the past and still think about the abuse and it sort of made me a little upset. There is no attraction, and I find people who have no been sexually abused do not understand why it is so hard to move forward. I am not sexually attracted to this man, I do not care about him, I am angry that he took away my innocence, he took away my childhood, and he took away my power. I want it back. I want my power back, I want to feel strong again, I'm tired of feeling dirty and I'm tired of feeling ashamed. I am also sick of seeing people blaming the victims, because they did not ask for it, if they did then it isn't rape or molestation anymore. However at the same time if that person is under the age of 18 they are not capable of consenting because they are not old enough nor mature enough.

I want to tell everyone and anyone who reads this that if you ever need someone to listen to you or if you just need to vent that I will listen, just send me a message. I am nonjudgmental and I do not share things that people tell me. Everyone deserves to have someone that will listen. I know I wish I had had that earlier in life, maybe I would have been further into my healing. Maybe I could have sent him to jail where he would get fucked up the ass by someone named big Steve and his power would be taken away from him, like he took mine. 

Someone once told me that in order to move forward you must forgive, but how do you forgive something like that. At this point in my life I feel like that is pretty much impossible. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive, but I will for sure never forget. NEVER.  I tried to confront him about it once, and he just blamed me again, and I remember I got so sick. I literally threw up everywhere and I cried and curled up into a ball and it was like being a child all over again. I had confronted him online because I am still too scared to go up to him in person because it sets off such a strong emotional and physical reaction, it's like I can not move, I can not speak and I just shut down and want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I get cold sweats and I start to tear up and feel nauseous. I need to move on, I feel like I need to confront him in person, I need to see his face as I tell him in detail what he did and how it has effected me, I need to punch him, I need to cause him pain, I want him to hurt like I have over the last 11 years...

I say all this, but I know that I won't. I also know that even though I am feeling a little strong right now that within the next 24 hours I will have another spell of weakness. It's like I'm stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and it always happens the same way everyday. 

This is my struggle. 
Doomed to repeat.
Never moving forward.
Always feeling pain.
Always checking over my shoulder. 
Always angry. 

Monday, September 29, 2014

An enlightening thought..

I often blog about love and how I feel that I will never be happy, however a few minutes ago I had an enlightening thought.. I was sitting sipping on a Tim Hortons coffee playing MineCraft (I know I'm a loser, lol) and talking to my cousin when I realized, that I sometimes look at things completely the wrong way. I try to hide my problems away and not "burden" anyone with my stresses, however, I've taken for granted how many people actually care about me and want me to share my problems because sometimes you need someone to lean on and someone to give you an outside opinion on things, sometimes they can point out something that you didn't see before. For example: I do not share my blog with family as I am scared about how they will react to knowing what is really going on with me, however today I let my cousin Tiana read my blog, and her reaction was far from what I expected, instead of judging me and treating me differently she offered me comfort and consolement, something I was not expecting. She has been through a similar thing and she was stronger than me in the sense that she opened up to people and shared her story. I find that admiral. She has begun healing already, something which I have not yet been able to do. I have taken for granted my friends, who always ask me what's wrong and I always give them the same answer of "I'm fine just a little down" but I never actually tell them what is building up inside me. I feel that if I was to open up about it maybe I could also start to heal. I have three friends and a family member in particular that I know I can always turn to and that they won't judge me yet, I'm too scared to do so.

I've known my friend Chelsey for 19 years, and she has seen me at my worst and at my best and she is still around, I know that I can always turn to her for anything, yet I do not. She calls me daily just to see how I am doing or what I am up to, and I love her for it. Sometimes I find people don't notice the little things, and I am realizing that I am one of those people at times, mainly in my darkest hours I feel so alone and lost, and I forget that I have people I can turn to.

My friend Jessica, I've only known her for about four or so years, but she and her husband have done so much for me. I remember when I used to get in fights with my ex while he was away and I would call them crying and upset, and they would come get me at 4 in the morning and take me to their place, or they'd come stay with me until I felt better and they never once asked for an explanation to why I was so upset, the never once judged me once or ran away because I was too "dramatic." They've stuck by me while I was at my highest and at some of my lowest times. I love them dearly. I'm sure at times I can be a little over bearing yet they still stick around, that's amazing to me, because almost everyone I've been friends with in the past has ran when I need someone and only come around when it benefits them. I'm blessed to have such selfless people in my life.

My cousin Tiana, though we never spoke too much as children (because I lived pretty far away) has been there for me over the last little while as I'm dealing with crippling flash backs to my past and the dark times. I know we have always been there for each other, we just haven't always had the opportunity or the time, but lately she has been the person who broke down a wall and helped me start moving again, because for a while I have been stuck in a rut, and she unknowingly struck the right key with me and set a bunch of things in motion, she has shown me that I do have support I'm just looking in the wrong places.

I love all these people dearly and I would do anything for them, I am sorry that I took them for granted for a while and forgot that that's what friends are for. When the load you are carrying gets to heavy, they come along and grab a corner and make the load a little lighter. I am truly blessed to have these people, and I will not take them for granted another single minute. 

Thank you all for being my rock, whether you read this or not, you are my saving grace in a lot of ways.

"I'll follow you into the dark, No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white, Just our hands clasped so tight.. If there's no one beside you, When your soul embarks, Then I'll follow you into the dark."

I am spiralling ...

Sometimes, like waves, I get struck with this urge to cry, I feel hopeless and lost, I feel like nothing I've done is the right choice and my life consists of me going through a maze, and somehow I always seem to choose the wrong path. It's like nothing I've done up to this point has been beneficial to me, even when, in the moment, I feel that it's the right choice. Some days I just feel so defeated.

I find I am good at hiding things, like when I am having a really crappy day, and someone shows up I can wipe away the tears and put on a happy front without missing a beat. However, when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long they always seem to find the negative things that I usually try to brush aside and forget.

I feel ridiculous sometimes because I will smell something, or see something that reminds me of Donald, the guy who molested and raped me as a child and it sets me into a spiral, it starts with a sick feeling, then my mood plummets and then I just want to cry and hide in a dark place alone. I hate that it's been nearly ten years and he still has that kind of control over me. What is wrong with me? Is that even normal? I hate that I still think about it daily. Almost every minute of every day is spent remembering and thinking about it. I can't even go out shopping or to Tim Hortons without the fear of running into him. I've seen times where I am going to Wal-Mart and he happens to be standing outside the front doors and I have to turn around and get back in the car and wait for my friends to be done. They all think I'm crazy, but they don't know what it's like, they don't know what he did.. They'll never understand because they've never experienced it. When I see him it feels like someone punched me in the stomach and I'm going to hurl. Everything comes back in a flash, in sickening detail. I can remember the smell, I can remember the way the air felt, the way my room was set up, I can still feel the cold metal post of my bunk bed pressed against my cheek while I was being pushed against it and the wall because my bed was in the corner of the room. I remember how my room was set up and where every little nick-knack was... It's been so long, and I still can't forget.  Sometimes I will literally lose my breath when someone touches me and it reminds me of the way he used to..

I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless..
I know I am the only person that can heal my wounds. I can't expect someone else to do it.

There have been days that I literally want to kill myself, to take myself out of the situation completely and permanently, but I know that wouldn't actually solve anything and that I would end up leaving a lot of hurt and upset people, and I have to much of a heart to hurt all the people I love. So I spend everyday in my silent suffering. It's like an illness that no one else can see. I cover it so well..

I am so broken inside. I feel like I am still a small child inside SCREAMING for help and crying yet no one hears or see's, I feel trapped inside myself.

I need to stop now... I will blog again later. I am going to try to upload at least one blog a day.

Monday, January 27, 2014

a bit of insanity.

Will I ever be happy?!

The more I think about it the more I am thinking that I am scared to allow myself to be happy. I can't open myself up to anyone. I am always cautious and suspicious of everyone. When I do start to get close to someone, I panic and push them as far away as I can. I run for dear life. WHY! Why do I do that to myself. Do I think I don't deserve happiness? What the fuck is wrong with me.

Most men run at the first sign that a girl has issues. Most, not all.

I start to feel like I am going to be forever alone, or at least forever only half happy. 
I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM 100%, CHUB AND ALL. alas, it seems impossible. Somedays I could just scream!! Scream and cry and break things and lay on the floor until I die.. but I don't because I couldn't do that to my mother. My mother is the only reason I have never killed myself. There's I've thought of doing it, but I can't. I can not leave my mother alone. 

I have friends that make me smile but sometimes I think they hate me and think I'm annoying and only deal with me because I'd go mad alone. I feel like I am constantly faking the happiness.. CONSTANTLY..

Lost my train of thought, I'll update later.

Monday, January 20, 2014


The Band Perry playing softly, lights off, lavender scented candles glowing and a cup of steaming tea next to my computer. I feel nothing. For the first time in months, I have nothing negative on my mind. I feel nothing but bliss and accomplishment.

When I woke up this morning, I felt no heaviness, no aches and pains, no sadness, and did not feel like crying. I got out of bed, showered and instead of sitting on the couch and playing video's to distract me from the world, I open all the blinds and let the sun shine in. I got dressed and put my hair up; I put on jewellery. I cooked myself some breakfast and then did the dishes, I cleaned my room top to bottom, and every other room in the house. I even went as far as wiping down the walls and organizing the cupboards and my office. When I was done I sat down at my desk, lit my candles and shut off the light. This is amazing, I feel so good right now and it is rare for me these days. Lately I feel nothing but sadness and anxiety. 

I feel like me again, for the first time in a long time. 
I miss this.
I smiled today, for no reason.
I danced around the house listening to the radio for no reason.
I sang, loudly, along with the radio.

Today, I feel good. Nothing can change it. Just sitting here, enjoying the clean house, the smell of lavender, the music, drinking my tea and expecting nothing.
Worrying about nothing.
Thinking about nothing.
It's bliss for me. I am at peace today.
I need this.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I have issues.

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I feel it is due time.

I have issues. I'm talking talking little issues, I mean I have big issues that effect everything in my life including relationships with other people. 
For example: I can not trust. As much as I want to trust people I can not do it. I always end up thinking that I am going to get fucked over by everyone. I have a tendency to look at the worst possible scenario for every situation. I have been working hard to change my outlook on things, however it is easier said than done. I know plenty of people who have never given me a reason to not trust them yet I constantly question them. I always think that boyfriends are cheating on me, I am cautious of every girl they know and do not trust their female friends at all. I constantly question who they're texting or what they are talking about because in my mind it is always something bad about me. There is nothing that bothers me more than when we are spending time together and they are texting someone and ignoring me. I always think they are going to leave me. I have abandonment issues. Swear to God. When I think about it slash talk to my therapist I come to the conclusion that it all stems from my Mom and Dad, as well as other people in my family. 

When my mother was pregnant with me, my father wanted her to get an abortion, and she almost went through with it but changed her mind. Before I was born my father denied me as his. When I was born he wasn't there, only after I was born, he decided to come and visit me, and "fell in love with me." My mother and father were never really "together" after I was born. When I was 4 my mother met a man and moved us out of my home town and away from all my family. At the time I didn't know any better, I just did what mom told me. I have no concept of distance. I came back to my home town every summer for years, but eventually my mother and father started a custody battle, and I wasn't allowed to go to visit. No one knew but I was also being abused by my mother's boyfriend. Eventually we left and Mom moved in with a new boyfriend, he had a temper like I've never seen before. He called me names and made me feel like a nothing, like I didn't matter to anyone and never would. He told me that no one would ever love me, and I believed him after hearing it for 10 years. He had completely crushed my self esteem and confidence. He told me that my family didn't love me and that's why they never called me or came to visit. 

When my mother and I finally left him, and we moved in with her next boyfriend, He wasn't much better, I don't think he liked me much, I was just an annoyance to him, or at least that's how I felt…

Did I mention that I went almost 10 years without seeing my father or my cousins or aunt and uncle's.. I saw my grandparents once in a while but it was rare.. 

Mom's new boyfriend would always talk to me as if I was a young child who could not comprehend anything, it used to infuriate me. I eventually moved out, quite young actually. I had no where to go at the time I moved out but I managed to find a place to stay, moved out a few months later and between 2010-2013 I have moved 13 times. Crazy.

I have a lot of pent up anger from the decisions that my mother has made, the things her boyfriends and other people have said to me, the bullies in school that made me feel even smaller than I already did, the friends who used me, the scum of the earth who molested me, the boyfriends who cheated on me, the people who just walked out of my life for no reason..  on my birthday this year not one family member called me. :(

I have chosen to forgive and move on, but sometimes things still haunt me. You can never fully move on. I will not waste my life living in the past with things that I can not change..

…Yet I can not let go of the trust issues, the abandonment issues where I think everyone is going to leave me and I will die alone.. I try to be happy, and most of the time I am, but we all have days right?.. I am the type of person that tried to hide my hurt.. I will smile and act a fool but as soon as you leave, I am a mess again. I put on a font to hide the days that I am  feeling extremely low. My ex is the only person who has seen through my front. He once said to me, I have figured out that when you seem the happiest is when you are really the saddest and most hurt.. and my heart sank because he was so right… 

so right..