Monday, September 29, 2014

An enlightening thought..

I often blog about love and how I feel that I will never be happy, however a few minutes ago I had an enlightening thought.. I was sitting sipping on a Tim Hortons coffee playing MineCraft (I know I'm a loser, lol) and talking to my cousin when I realized, that I sometimes look at things completely the wrong way. I try to hide my problems away and not "burden" anyone with my stresses, however, I've taken for granted how many people actually care about me and want me to share my problems because sometimes you need someone to lean on and someone to give you an outside opinion on things, sometimes they can point out something that you didn't see before. For example: I do not share my blog with family as I am scared about how they will react to knowing what is really going on with me, however today I let my cousin Tiana read my blog, and her reaction was far from what I expected, instead of judging me and treating me differently she offered me comfort and consolement, something I was not expecting. She has been through a similar thing and she was stronger than me in the sense that she opened up to people and shared her story. I find that admiral. She has begun healing already, something which I have not yet been able to do. I have taken for granted my friends, who always ask me what's wrong and I always give them the same answer of "I'm fine just a little down" but I never actually tell them what is building up inside me. I feel that if I was to open up about it maybe I could also start to heal. I have three friends and a family member in particular that I know I can always turn to and that they won't judge me yet, I'm too scared to do so.

I've known my friend Chelsey for 19 years, and she has seen me at my worst and at my best and she is still around, I know that I can always turn to her for anything, yet I do not. She calls me daily just to see how I am doing or what I am up to, and I love her for it. Sometimes I find people don't notice the little things, and I am realizing that I am one of those people at times, mainly in my darkest hours I feel so alone and lost, and I forget that I have people I can turn to.

My friend Jessica, I've only known her for about four or so years, but she and her husband have done so much for me. I remember when I used to get in fights with my ex while he was away and I would call them crying and upset, and they would come get me at 4 in the morning and take me to their place, or they'd come stay with me until I felt better and they never once asked for an explanation to why I was so upset, the never once judged me once or ran away because I was too "dramatic." They've stuck by me while I was at my highest and at some of my lowest times. I love them dearly. I'm sure at times I can be a little over bearing yet they still stick around, that's amazing to me, because almost everyone I've been friends with in the past has ran when I need someone and only come around when it benefits them. I'm blessed to have such selfless people in my life.

My cousin Tiana, though we never spoke too much as children (because I lived pretty far away) has been there for me over the last little while as I'm dealing with crippling flash backs to my past and the dark times. I know we have always been there for each other, we just haven't always had the opportunity or the time, but lately she has been the person who broke down a wall and helped me start moving again, because for a while I have been stuck in a rut, and she unknowingly struck the right key with me and set a bunch of things in motion, she has shown me that I do have support I'm just looking in the wrong places.

I love all these people dearly and I would do anything for them, I am sorry that I took them for granted for a while and forgot that that's what friends are for. When the load you are carrying gets to heavy, they come along and grab a corner and make the load a little lighter. I am truly blessed to have these people, and I will not take them for granted another single minute. 

Thank you all for being my rock, whether you read this or not, you are my saving grace in a lot of ways.

"I'll follow you into the dark, No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white, Just our hands clasped so tight.. If there's no one beside you, When your soul embarks, Then I'll follow you into the dark."

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