Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Struggle.

Like a shadow, this feeling follows me. Even when the sun is shining bright, it creeps in. I could be having the best day ever, but once I sit alone for a while, I feel it like an itch that you can't reach. 

A lot of people don't understand depression. I'm tired of hearing, why don't you just stop thinking about things that make you sad, or why don't you just go out for a walk or something. It's not that easy. I find a lot of people try to tell you remedies for depression, but they have no understanding of it. People say, "Oh, I see you all the time and you look really happy, I don't understand how you can have depression but still be smiling." or "It's just a phase, it will pass." It's not. I've been on medication for it and it didn't help me in the least. I have thought about going to therapy to find out why I am so depressed, because I don't think it is a chemical imbalance in my brain, I think it's memories that I have suppressed that I am unconsciously remembering. It's only times where I have nothing to distract my mind that it really hits me. I've seen times where I will be sitting watching T.V or I'll be on my computer and I will just begin to cry. People don't understand and it frustrates them, this is why I hide it. When I try to explain it to my friends, a lot of them will look at me with such a confused expression, I feel stupid for even trying. 

I was having a good day today, but suddenly I started to come down, and it's because I had a minute where my mind could wander freely. I have joined a group online for girls who were sexually abused and as great as that is, I feel that there are only two people who really open up on there, me and another girl. Frustrating right? I understand people being scared to open up, I know I was for the longest time, but eventually you need to do something to move forward with your life. For me, opening up like this hurts more that keeping it in, but I also know that it has to hurt before it heals. It's like when you cut yourself or injure yourself and you have to clean out the wound first, it's going to hurt like a bitch before it is going to heal, if you leave it it's going to fester and get infected. I feel the same goes for your mind, if you leave the negativity locked up someday it's going to get so bad that you will lose control of yourself. I've come to that point before, where everything was pent up to the point that I had the worse breakdown of my life and I, in fact, tried to take my own life. Looking back, I'm glad that I didn't succeed, but at the same time back then I felt that was the only way that I could escape the pain. I remember I used to cut myself because I felt like that physical pain was like a release of the emotional inner pain. Looking back I also feel like that was silly of me, now I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life. I try to look at it positively though, they will forever remind me that I overcame one of the darkest points in my life. 

I have a daily struggle with myself. I have to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. To the point where I need to set my alarm an hour or so earlier than I really need to be up because I will lay there and it's like an internal battle or weighing the pro's and con's of getting up that day. Usually I finally do convince myself but some days, I stay in bed for hours, and if I could, I'd stay there all day. I've been trying to help myself along with a daily routine. Basically to help me come out of my slump in the morning, I have my alarm set to one of my favourite songs and I listen to it until the end, by then I should be out of bed and at least moving around a bit, then I go to my computer and open my iTunes where I have a "Happy" playlist saved, I plug in my speakers, press play and away we go. Then I force myself to sing along, even if I don't feel like I have the energy, and low and behold, I end up belting the songs out and even dancing a little. I go into the washroom and I shower, if there is no one home I do this with the door open so I can hear the music. Then I brush my teeth and put on makeup, while still jamming of course. I don't always put on makeup but I find on the really bad days it helps boost my confidence a little bit. 

Another thing that I need to remind myself of daily is that myself being sexually abused was in no way my fault, I remember that when I was being abused he would always tell me that I "wanted it" and that I "indirectly asked for it" because I sat next to him on the couch while watching T.V. I was 5, and he was on the middle cushion of the couch, where was I supposed to sit, the floor? I remember that he told me that because I smiled at him and was polite that I was "flirting" with him.. How the FUCK does a 5 year old flirt exactly? He used to tell me all sorts of reasons on why I was the one who asked him for it and that he was simply doing as I wanted.. and for a long time I believed it was ashamed to tell anyone because of this. However, now that I am older, I have watched a lot of video's and read a lot of posts about other people who have suffered sexual abuse as well as talking to some of my close friends who have been through it, and I was surprised to know that about 4 in every 5 of my friends were abused in some way. The more I heard and the more I read about other people going through this, I realized, none of these people deserved that and I started thinking about my situation and now that I am a little more mature I've realized that it is in no way my fault because I was a child and I was simply doing what I had been taught to do. You are polite to your elders, you treat people with respect and you never talk back. However, I wish I would have been taught about saying NO when it came to my "private area's." 

This man was trusted to watch over me, protect me and keep me from harm, instead he caused a life time of trama. Sometimes I get angry because my Mother still talks to him and offers him rides, but she doesn't believe me that he did it, either that or she is in denial. When ever I try to talk to my Mother about what happened, she seems to change the subject or just act very detached and I don't know how to feel about that. Why would I lie about such a thing? I was brought up better than that.. Or maybe it is just too painful for her to think about because she put me in the care of this man and trusted him for 11 years? I'm not sure and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need my Mothers support more than anything else in the world, and I don't have it. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to take him to court, it's been quiet some time since it happened and I have no real proof other than my memories and the scars bot physically and mentally that it has left on me. If anyone knows any information on stuff like this, can you comment below and let me know? Mainly I would like to do something about it so that I could feel some justice for myself but also, he has kids now and I am worried that when they reach a certain age that he will do it to them. I would like to think that having his own kids would make him change, but I feel when it comes to pedophiles, they don't change. Ever. 

There is someone who reads my blog and said to me in a private message that there must be some sort of attraction for me to still linger in the past and still think about the abuse and it sort of made me a little upset. There is no attraction, and I find people who have no been sexually abused do not understand why it is so hard to move forward. I am not sexually attracted to this man, I do not care about him, I am angry that he took away my innocence, he took away my childhood, and he took away my power. I want it back. I want my power back, I want to feel strong again, I'm tired of feeling dirty and I'm tired of feeling ashamed. I am also sick of seeing people blaming the victims, because they did not ask for it, if they did then it isn't rape or molestation anymore. However at the same time if that person is under the age of 18 they are not capable of consenting because they are not old enough nor mature enough.

I want to tell everyone and anyone who reads this that if you ever need someone to listen to you or if you just need to vent that I will listen, just send me a message. I am nonjudgmental and I do not share things that people tell me. Everyone deserves to have someone that will listen. I know I wish I had had that earlier in life, maybe I would have been further into my healing. Maybe I could have sent him to jail where he would get fucked up the ass by someone named big Steve and his power would be taken away from him, like he took mine. 

Someone once told me that in order to move forward you must forgive, but how do you forgive something like that. At this point in my life I feel like that is pretty much impossible. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive, but I will for sure never forget. NEVER.  I tried to confront him about it once, and he just blamed me again, and I remember I got so sick. I literally threw up everywhere and I cried and curled up into a ball and it was like being a child all over again. I had confronted him online because I am still too scared to go up to him in person because it sets off such a strong emotional and physical reaction, it's like I can not move, I can not speak and I just shut down and want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I get cold sweats and I start to tear up and feel nauseous. I need to move on, I feel like I need to confront him in person, I need to see his face as I tell him in detail what he did and how it has effected me, I need to punch him, I need to cause him pain, I want him to hurt like I have over the last 11 years...

I say all this, but I know that I won't. I also know that even though I am feeling a little strong right now that within the next 24 hours I will have another spell of weakness. It's like I'm stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and it always happens the same way everyday. 

This is my struggle. 
Doomed to repeat.
Never moving forward.
Always feeling pain.
Always checking over my shoulder. 
Always angry. 

No comments:

Post a Comment