Monday, September 29, 2014

I am spiralling ...

Sometimes, like waves, I get struck with this urge to cry, I feel hopeless and lost, I feel like nothing I've done is the right choice and my life consists of me going through a maze, and somehow I always seem to choose the wrong path. It's like nothing I've done up to this point has been beneficial to me, even when, in the moment, I feel that it's the right choice. Some days I just feel so defeated.

I find I am good at hiding things, like when I am having a really crappy day, and someone shows up I can wipe away the tears and put on a happy front without missing a beat. However, when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long they always seem to find the negative things that I usually try to brush aside and forget.

I feel ridiculous sometimes because I will smell something, or see something that reminds me of Donald, the guy who molested and raped me as a child and it sets me into a spiral, it starts with a sick feeling, then my mood plummets and then I just want to cry and hide in a dark place alone. I hate that it's been nearly ten years and he still has that kind of control over me. What is wrong with me? Is that even normal? I hate that I still think about it daily. Almost every minute of every day is spent remembering and thinking about it. I can't even go out shopping or to Tim Hortons without the fear of running into him. I've seen times where I am going to Wal-Mart and he happens to be standing outside the front doors and I have to turn around and get back in the car and wait for my friends to be done. They all think I'm crazy, but they don't know what it's like, they don't know what he did.. They'll never understand because they've never experienced it. When I see him it feels like someone punched me in the stomach and I'm going to hurl. Everything comes back in a flash, in sickening detail. I can remember the smell, I can remember the way the air felt, the way my room was set up, I can still feel the cold metal post of my bunk bed pressed against my cheek while I was being pushed against it and the wall because my bed was in the corner of the room. I remember how my room was set up and where every little nick-knack was... It's been so long, and I still can't forget.  Sometimes I will literally lose my breath when someone touches me and it reminds me of the way he used to..

I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless..
I know I am the only person that can heal my wounds. I can't expect someone else to do it.

There have been days that I literally want to kill myself, to take myself out of the situation completely and permanently, but I know that wouldn't actually solve anything and that I would end up leaving a lot of hurt and upset people, and I have to much of a heart to hurt all the people I love. So I spend everyday in my silent suffering. It's like an illness that no one else can see. I cover it so well..

I am so broken inside. I feel like I am still a small child inside SCREAMING for help and crying yet no one hears or see's, I feel trapped inside myself.

I need to stop now... I will blog again later. I am going to try to upload at least one blog a day.

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